still in limbo

The day started well enough. Less than 24 hours before I had published my first full-size report, metaphorically popping my 'research' cherry. My team was great, so supportive with everyone wanting to celebrate over drinks. And I did feel a sense of accomplishment. So I wanted to share it. And a full night of rest for the first time in weeks, drifting asleep wondering if I would get to say goodbye to Mel and Maya before they shoved off.

And today. The sky had light as I walked to the bus stop, listening to John Legend's 'Heaven'. Such things make me happy. And the morning at work was good as well, for the first time in weeks I didn't have that albatross of a report hanging over my head. But then the drama came back to me, did it perfectly coincide with Mel's departure? Or Janice's impromptu phone call from KL? Or my colleague's confession that she wanted to cry one minute and laugh the next, all day? What triggered it?

I emailed Karan for a coffee. I needed some distraction, someone unconnected with work who knew my tamasha. Funny, he happens to work in my office. Perhaps it was the presence of someone completely unrelated to work, someone who was familiar with a different side of me but as he spoke, the emotions welled up inside of me, and pushed up against the walls of my chest like waves. I wanted to curl up and cry and I wasn't really sure why. But I was at work. I can't cry at work. That's just not allowed.

Drinks after work with colleagues was a well-deserved distraction. And yet the moment I left them, it came back to me. And I know if I could just let it out, if there was some resolution, the roots would vanish with only a minimal trace of its existence. And so, I wait for the weekend, crowded with parties, two falling on the same night. An important choice presents itself. I know what I want. I know what I will choose. It just makes me sad that things seem to be going in this direction.