so close, yet so far

Today felt like a shit day. After sitting an exam in the early hours, I failed to kick start my brain for the rest of my working hours. I couldn't get anything done and was constantly on the verge of falling asleep. But perhaps I only thought it was shit because in comparison, yesterday was a great day. I was extremely 'useful'. But after some reflection, I realised that yesterday, for the first time in a very very long time, I remembered Madrid. I didn't just remember it, I felt Madrid. I felt the streets in the afternoon sun of spring, la gente pasando por todos lados, the dryness of the air colliding with the colours inherent in the people and food, the provincial merging with the cosmopolitan. I felt Madrid as I remembered it and the utter sense of vibrant well-being that I will always associate with it.

Today didn't turn out as I had hoped. 5 days of revision followed by a thorougly un-productive day, I wanted to have drinks with my friends. But my 2 closest were not to be there. And so a potential celebration turned into me laying on my bed, drinking Shiraz and losing myself in the music of 'Solaris'. I soon realised I would have felt this familiar feeling of alienation and half-disappointment regardless of how the night turned out, regardless of the presence of my closest friends. Because I'm like that. I still don't know why, but I am.

I wish I understood what I am looking for. But I also realise that if I did, I would have no purpose.